Alrighty, so as you may have read in my "About Me" section, I'm 21, and I'm tired of how I've treated my body these last 21 years...so it's time for a change.
I've been able to lose weight in the past (in 7th grade I lost about 30 pounds all on my own..yay me!) but I've never been able to reach what was considered a "healthy" weight...ever....or even maintain the weight loss I worked so hard for, so I've decided to try something new. But before I go into all the details of what I'm going to do, let me share a little more about me.
This is not about me thinking I'm ugly. I don't. Quite frankly I'm rather happy with my beauty-inner and outer. This is about the fact that I've been overweight my ENTIRE life, and I'm unhealthy-which is starting to make me very unhappy....and I don't like being unhappy. I don't even like crying. So when I had a meltdown in the dressing room of a store the other evening when my mother took me shopping for some new shorts and capris I decided enough was enough, it's time for me to do something about this! Of course, this meltdown didn't come out of nowhere, but was rather the "final straw" to a haystack that had been building for some time....
A few months ago, one of my sisters took a picture of me eating a s'more with a GIANT marshmallow...I took one look at the picture and said "delete that, NOW!" not because of the fact that there was marshmallow and chocolate all over my face and hands (that actually made it look rather funny) but for the fact that I looked like a fat sausage stuffed into a casing 3 sizes too small. I had never actually realized just how fat I was. Seriously. I would look in the mirror and realize I was bigger than most people I knew, but I never really saw myself as fat. It's a strange concept, but true, I was comfortable in my own skin, so it never bothered me.
Also, I've never had a problem with working out. I enjoy it! I enjoy it so much that I do it every morning...at 6 a.m. Yeah, you read that right. 6 a.m. and I love it. It gives me a boost of confidence to get through the day and I just love it! Plus, where I work out, I don't have to pay any sort of fee! What gets better than that? My problem is this: I can't seem to crack down and make myself accountable for my poor eating habits. I workout just enough to maintain this unhealthy weight. As proof of that: I decided to challenge my siblings to a "Biggest Loser" family style competition to lose weight. I worked out regularly....and gained 5 pounds. Yeah...not in muscle...just 5 pounds...which made me not fit into any of my pants. Awesome. I work at a Junior size clothing store. I've never been able to fit into the bottoms, but now I was barely fitting into the tops. How was I supposed to sell clothing to people if I didn't even fit into any of it? I couldn't!
I had my yearly checkup a few weeks ago...I gained 20 pounds in a year. This is officially the heaviest I've ever been, and last year I swore to myself that I would never get this heavy again! Yes, I had been about 5 pounds lighter at my previously heaviest weight, and then I went and blew past that! Ugh! Frustrating!
I have two sisters who've had a medical condition that required a specific medication which made it dangerous for them to get pregnant, and the best thing for them to do to get off the medication quickly was to lose weight. Now, I'm not trying to get pregnant-I'm an LDS single who fully intends to follow our religious practice of no pre-marital sex-so that's not really an issue for me, the issue is....if I don't lose weight I very well could be diagnosed with the same medical condition as my sisters when I want to start having kids. I don't want to be like that.
So all these thoughts were traveling through my head (along with some others that I don't want to share as of yet) and I looked at the clothing I was trying on and I was so ashamed of how I looked that I couldn't even look at myself in the face. It was awful. I eventually pulled myself together enough to purchase a few items and head home. Once I got home, I immediately went to my room and bawled my eyes out. Remember how I said I don't like crying? I particularly HATE crying in front of people so I try and make my crying very quiet so no one hears me to come investigate what's wrong. As I sat there crying and praying-because I find it helps calm me down faster-I came to the conclusion that I need to hold myself accountable for my dieting habits. Der! That had been my problem all along, I thought "as long as I exercise every day, I can just eat whatever I want and I'll be healthy" well....by obvious reasons for the past year's 20 lb weight gain that method of thinking didn't pan out how I wanted it to. So I thought, what could I do to make myself responsible for my dieting? Well, I could be more strict about my diet. But I've tried that, and it clearly didn't work. Then I thought, I'll keep a food journal! I've done that in the past and it helped me out a lot (how many people would want to write down that they ate nothing but chips and cookies all day?) but I also realized that only worked when I did it for a class where the journal was a grade.....and even then I cheated a little bit. So, what to do to make that a more effective method? One of my sisters with the medical condition I mentioned earlier decided she would blog about her weight loss journey, so I figured if I did so as well, maybe it will help her out. But since I don't even write in my personal journal everyday I figured I needed a more enticing way to make sure I get on here every day... plus I'd still be able to lie about an online food journal. And then it hit me. TAKE PICTURES! They're worth 1,000 words anyway right?
So that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to take pictures of everything that I eat. I'm also going to take pictures of myself on the first day every month.....and take a picture of the scale every month. It's going to be a bit nerve wracking, I'm sure. Putting all this information about myself out on the web where anyone could read it, but like I said earlier: I need to devise a way to make myself accountable for my dieting habits.
So! Starting Friday, July 1 this picture thing is going to take place.
I'm bound and determined to be honest so that I can learn and grow from this upcoming journey. So if you're up for it, you can ride along with me. I've no idea how things will turn out, but I make this promise to you, whoever you are: I won't lie. I will show you what I eat, tell you what I did that day for working out, and tell you whatever I've read lately that encourages me. For that last bit, a lot of it is probably going to be related to the LDS standard scriptures (The Bible, The Book of Mormon, The Doctrine and Covenants, and The Pearl of Great Price) along with other things our leaders have said because that's where I get a lot of my strength....but I promise not everything will be church-y, and you're more than welcome to share anything that helps motivate you. In fact, I would encourage it. But make sure it's ONLY uplifting things!!! I won't have any negative thoughts posted on here.....unless they come from me. Selfish, I know. But this is my blog, I get to make all the rules.
And hopefully we'll all be able to "run and not be weary" (D&C 89:20)
